i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
