Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
