I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
