You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
