it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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