i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
