his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
