Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
