You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
