she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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