I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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