can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
