I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need moral support for this bender
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
