This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
