dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
