Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
don't judge my taste in strippers
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
