is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
