I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i need some magic done to my vagina
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
