can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
