She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
