Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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