he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
