I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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