I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
