Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
