Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
