I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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