I can't breathe out the right side of my face
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
