if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
