I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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