why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
