You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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