DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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