We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
