my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
