I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
