I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
