Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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