I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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