Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
