i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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