i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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