Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
