when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
