my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
