Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
