Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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