Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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