Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
