My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
someone owes me an orgasm
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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