Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
