You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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