i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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