you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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