I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
