My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
